Monday, November 12, 2012


Hi there! So, my name is Carson Helena Bailey. I am 24 years of age, I am a nurse, and when I'm not taking care of people, I write. Which leads me to blogger. I'm in a free country, I am free to write all things long as it doesn't hurt or damages people's feelings.

The RN's Diaries is solely the product of my wild thoughts and everyday experiences, good or bad, inside the hospital, and also my personal life. Be warned, this is my diary, my life and not yours. You are here to read, so bear with me. I keep my identity as anonymous as I could to protect what is left of my privacy. I mean, c'mon, this is my diary people! I spill all and tell all, no boundaries, no secrets.

So, let's begin by telling you about myself, hmm, a little bit m o r e......

I graduated college, with a degree of course, in Nursing. I wasn't really the brightest of the students, nor was I the popular one. My college life was pretty much the normal one. I go to school, I learn, sometimes I sleep during my class, sometimes I skip class, I failed, I passed, had boyfriends, met my bestfriend Rose, had enemies, I was loved, then hated, and loved some more. I was never the instructor's favorite, except for one. My life was pretty much what you call normal, except for one minor, or so I think, detail. When I was about to graduate, I met this very cool, great person named, Ian. He was a year ahead of me, and we were introduced by common friends, by accident? I dunno, or shall we say, faith. Ian was the popular guy in our school. He was known for his family name, their wealth, and of course his looks. He had black hair, skin as white as porcelain, and his eyes, somewhere between black and blue. But let me tell you how I exactly met Ian... One day when I was at school, class wasn't about to start for another 3o minutes so I decided to have a quick breaky in the cafeteria. I ordered and was carrying my loaded tray.. butting in, I'm a very clumsy, unlucky person, so please, forgive me if there's periods of my writing wherein I almost die of shame or by accident 'cause of my clumsiness. So, let's continue.. I was carrying my loaded tray, right when I turned to look for a vacant table, I bumped into a guy, and yes, like in those movies you see, it was the popular guy I bumped into. It was Ian. Lucky for him, all my food was still sealed, so there were no spillings and stains involved. At first I thought that he would act all snobbish and all, but he didn't. He helped me picked up all my stuff and put them in my tray. I told him thanks, in I think in a very awkward, almost as if I was gonna pass out look. He was gorgeous. I could look at him all day. And those eyes, my god, where do I even begin. Eversince that incident, whenever we would walk pass each other in the lobbies or the corridors, he would always smile at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. Who am I to refuse that super beautiful smile? Rose, my bestfriend in the world, almost killed me 'cause she wanted to find out why Ian was already smiling at me already. Then came the party, and we were introduced. It was the happiest day of my life. We talked all night, and he even drove me back to our pad. He was a gentleman. In that moment, whenever I looked back in that moment, I couldn't help but smile and tear. I was at my happiest. I was this simple college lady, who was lucky enough to have met such a handsome man, who not only happens to be good looking but nice and gentle as well. Looking back, I think, that night was the last of my cherished anonymity. After that party, people at school started talking about me and Ian. I hated it and loved it at the same time. I loved it, 'cause it was true, I hated it 'cause a lot of people knew. I value privacy. I value peace, and space. I just really wanted to be left alone. Then, the next few things happened, Ian asked me out, so we went out, we dated, and eventually, we became boyfriend-girlfriend. Everything about our relationship was all too nice to forget. He graduated a year after, and passed the board. As for me, I was passed hell year, and I was already a senior. Senior year, well, was of course, staffing period, and I hated staffing. We had to wear our skirts and high heels, and they are uncomfortable as hell. What I loved about the whole experience was, Ian was there to support me and tell me, that even if I look uncomfy in my shoes and heels, I still look good. Before I could continue with the story, let me tell you something about Ian. I mentioned that he was wealthy and popular, right? So here's the thing, Ian's family owns the hospital where my school was affiliated, he's the only son, and the only heir to their family's properties. Yes. True. Uh huh. Drool ladies. Staffing was a struggle for me. There were some nurses, the one's who had an interest in Ian, gave me hell as an experience. I was struggling almost the whole semester. There was even a time when Ian's mother had to come in between to handle the situation by herself. Most of the nights I spent during my senior year was either crying, struggling with the people I am with, the doctors, the nurses, my blockmates, my batchmates. I was thankful I had Rose. She was always there for me, she was always the bestfriend I ever needed. So Rosie, if you ever are reading this, I love you 'til death! :) Right when I was about to graduate, I received the nicest gift in the world, the best gift a girl could ever wished for. Ian asked me to marry him. Who was I to refuse the most handsome man, kneeling in front of me, holding their family ring? I was in love, deeply, madly in love, and Ian, oh Ian. Of course, I accepted, I said yes. The remaining weeks in school was such a struggle. I had to go through a lot of rumors. Rumors like, I was pregnant that's why I was getting married, I was a gold digger, I was a bitch. I had to cry and go to school the next day with raccoon eyes. But Ian was there, Rose was there, and that was all that matters. Three days before our graduation, Ian got all excited and crazy that I also gave in, we got married through their family friend, who happens to be a judge. It was just me, him, Rose, and his trusted man, Elenour. I was so happy. Everything about Ian was so nice. Like lilacs, and good music, like Paris and coffee and a good book, much nicer. Ian, he was my everything at that moment. He took me to their family beach rest house, an hour away from the city, and there we made love like I dunno, amateur married couples. I felt so womanly, and alive. With warmth and love, I felt complete. Graduation was already like a minor shock. Rose, me and the whole gang of friends, we were happy to have passed all the struggles. Our next battle, was the board. It was a roller coaster ride. I juggled being a wife to Ian, secretly, to being a plain reviewer who was about to take the board. Three months of misery and after a month of waiting for the results as if it was forever, me and the gang passed. Ian, who was carried by the moment, decided that it was time for us to walk the alter, as if, to let people know, we were husband and wife. I wasn't a bridezilla. Rose and Ian's mom was the one's who were so busy getting things all done. I only chose the flowers, lilacs of course, and my dress. After almost two months, the day of our wedding came. Everything was perfect, everything was beautiful. And me, as I looked myself in the mirror, wearing the dress that Ian himself chose with me, I didn't recognize my own self. I was pretty, I think. I couldn't wait to see my groom. My husband, my handsome husband. The wedding coordinator told us that Ian's car will be running a little late. Then almost as if it was 30minutes or so, people where beginning to wonder. Ian was still not there. I was becoming worried. What could have happened. Then he called me in my cell, telling me that there was a fire nearby, and traffic was holding them up. He said, "Love, I have to go, Elenour is circling back, where going in a different direction, I love you, wait for me and marry me,"... Then we had to wait another 15minutes, and Elenour went in our room with blood in his tux. My eyes where wide, and before he could even talk I rushed outside yelling Ian's name. There was a commotion. Everyone in the church began to hiss, asking what is happening. Elenour and I think Keith, pulled me. Keith turned me to his gaze, and hugged me. I saw Rose at his back crying, and Ian's mother, on her knees, in her beautiful dress, crying, hands on her face. Then she looked up at me, she walked to me, and she hugged me. "It's going to be alright," was her words. Tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't really make out what I was feeling back then. I felt as if I was shot with a gun in both sides of my ears, and all I could hear was, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng.. I had this big lump in my throat and I couldn't breathe. Elenour came to me, and Ian's mother shooed him away. I could hear him saying, "She has to know," but I was just too weak to react. Too shock to move. My Ian, where are you? Then Elenour grabbed me from Ian's mother and told me, "I had to get out of the car Ms. Bailey, to yell at the drivers blocking the road. Sir was just inside the car, 'cause he said he can't get out, he has to make a call. When I turned, it all happened so fast, first was the firetruck then other cars next.." I couldn't listen to anymore of what he was saying, so I asked, "Where's Ian, where is he?" I think I yelled. " didn't make it, the rescuer said he was already dead when we brought him to the ER," Elenour said. No. Noooooooooooo! I yelled in my mind, and, "No! You lying prick, Ian is not dead! Give me your keys," I screamed at Rose. I don't even know how I got in the ER. I was sweaty, I was trembling, I was crying, my knees, they were shaking, I had to take of my shoes so that I could walk well. Ian's mother and Rose were running to catch up behind me. Then there, there he was, in the trauma room, in his white tux, white skin, covered in blood, I ran to the trauma room but stopped at the door, and broke down in the floor. I can't go there and look at him, I couldn't do it. My life, he was gone. My source of energy, he was gone. I was crying like a child in the floor of the ER. Ian's mother and Rose pulled me up and comforted me. Ian, why does he have to go, when everything was already so happy and well, why does he have to go. It was hard, getting all the energy to stock up some courage to write about my first true love. He was already buried in my journal, but when I opened it again, it's as if I was ignited, I was inspired, and after all these years, I remembered him once more. His smell, his hair, his hands, his warmth, his gaze. His eyes. Ian, wherever you are love, I know you are watching over me, I love you, and yes, I just did told the world about our story. You have always told me to write and write some more. I never really believed in myself, but you believed in me. At first, I thought it was just you, playing your role as my better half, supporting me, and keeping me inspired. Thank you for always being honest. You have made me so happy, in words I couldn't even find words to write about. I love you so much. I hope you're happy wherever you are. I'm giving writing a chance love, how about that huh?
I didn't take my dress of for three days. I stayed at my room for three days. I just laid there in the floor, hugging my self, crying. Rose was knocking like crazy, begging for me to open the door and just eat. But I didn't, I didn't want to, I just wanted to cry, and just cry and just lay there. On the third day, Rose brought Keith, he helped in opening my locked door, and he laid there with me, and told me a lot of things. All I could remember was, "Ian would be at his happiest if you were happy, and that doesn't start with you all thin, and smelly," Ian's burial was so peaceful. The day was warm and sunny, the wind blew softly. Oh what I would give to hug and feel his embrace again. Letting him go was the hard, accepting that I would no longer see him in my room, in my kitchen, in my bed, in my tub, it was the hardest of everything in my life. But I had to live with it. I started to loose weight, I started writing, but end up most of my works unfinished. Two months after Ian's death, their family lawyer called, saying my presence was needed in Ian's home. Ian's mother was there, Elenour, his stepfather. I brought with me Rose, for support. I was asked to sit down, and Ian's mother asked if me and Ian were ever married. It took a while for me to answer, the mention of Ian's name, and marriage, it was like sending a shock through my nerves. I told her yes, and so the lawyer spoke. "There we have it. We're clear then," I was confused. I asked what was wrong and so the lawyer told me, "Miss, or shall I say Mrs. Wilson, your late husband, as you may know, was the sole heir of all of Wilson properties. By the time of his rightful age, all of the said properties were given to him. As we dig deep, in his newly written will, he stated that all of his inheritance be given to his wife, now, Carson Helena Bailey Wilson," and I was left blanked. His inheritance to me? "To me?" I asked the lawyer, and I looked at Ian's mother, she was smiling, and almost crying. "I wouldn't be surprised dear, he loved you so much, and he believed in you," I couldn't believe everything I heard. The last few minutes included signing papers and talking to the lawyer and Ian's mother. I went home, with a big question on my mind. What was I going to do with all of his money, the hospital, the company? I was already lost, and Ian just had to give me all of him. I started working, all the job Ian did, I tried doing them. For a month, I sat beside his mother during meetings, I worked the hospital, not as a nurse, but as a corporate person. Everyone else, was giving me the staredown. Ian's mother told me to ignore them, telling me few months will be hard. But I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't happy. I had a serious sit down with Ian's mother and the lawyer. I gave my authority to Ian's mother, giving her all the power to lead, in my absence. She was hesitant at first, telling me that it wasn't Ian's wishes. I told her, for sure, Ian wanted me to be happy, and being there, and doing all those things, I wasn't happy. So it was settled. After three days, me and Rose, sold our pad, and moved in to a new city. We applied as nurses in a hospital and we got accepted. Thus begin our journey, my story to tell, and yours to read and keep up.

I'm not gonna promise you that I'd keep you entertained. As I said before, all of these, are products of my wild thoughts and everyday experience. We vary from different likes and dislikes. You may like or dislike what I write, but I'm just keeping it as "me" and as real as possible.

I hope you would enjoy, and learn a lot from what I would be sharing. I lived it, all of it, and I am sharing it to you. I will ask for an apology if ever I wouldn't be mentioning places and names, I had to for privacy and respect wise.

This page is not only meant for nurses, but to all people otherwise.